I came into 2018 with so many resolutions. I was determined that it would be my best year yet. But as life would have it, the past 2 months have been hectic for me. It took me a few weeks to realize that I was in the middle of the longest depressive episode as far as I could remember. I was working long hours without adequate rest. I hadn’t traveled in so many months and I wasn’t making any visible upward progress. I had made a series of bad decisions last year that were causing me unnecessary heartache and I had lost sight of myself. One of my favorite songs by Tank and the Bangas, says “Self reflection should never be confused with whoever is looking at you”. I went and judged myself based on another person’s opinion like I didn’t know better.
Sometimes we let ourselves down even when we know better. I had slowly lost my confidence, lost faith in my presence. I lost track of my happiness and lost sight of my own beauty. When I constantly failed to conjure up excitement for anything, when I constantly compared myself to everyone else, I knew something had to give. It’s one thing knowing what is happening but getting out of it is a whole different issue.
I slowly withdrew from life and decided to go away for some time. I traveled to a place where I could find peace and I let the healing begin. It’s not complete yet but the past few weeks have been the brightest of the year so far. Hope is slowly returning. I am now actively pursuing happiness and working on my goals. I am choosing myself everyday and I’m focusing on being who I am. I have decided to focus on growth, health and discipline. I will invest in my hobbies and practice more gratitude. I will write more, be me and only laugh when it’s funny to me. I will travel this country and beyond.
I am still healing but I’m moving forward as life requires. And I decided to celebrate the beginning of this new state of mind by daring to stand in front of a camera without a landscape behind me.