I am coming to terms with the fact that I’m a big girl. At size 12/14 I’m bordering on being plus sized. I look at myself in the mirror and try to figure out how to go down to being a size 8. There are times when I’m confident that my body is okay but most times I look at myself with dismay wondering why the hell I had to get my father’s features. Why do I have to love food that much? Sometimes the self loath gets so intense that I’m tempted to induce throwing up. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was bulimic right? But of course I freak out and I’m much too lazy to stick to sticking my finger down my mouth every time so I don’t go through with it. I think of starving myself sometimes but I always give in by 10 AM. So I try to work out whenever I can and eat healthy whenever I can but the sad truth is I may always struggle with my weight.
The struggle is already starting to show. The stretch marks that only used to be on my behind are starting to go a bit higher. I could have sworn I saw cellulite on my thighs the other day. Love handles are starting to creep in. I tried to kill a fly and I couldn’t, it was too fast for me, I’m getting slow (But to be fair I have only killed a fly once).
I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never wear the dresses I wore 3 years ago. I should probably give them to my kid sister. I don’t like it, but it’s true. My Fiancé keeps telling me that I look good like this but I believe him for the first 5 minutes and then go back to my body shaming.
But here’s the truth. I am big boned and tall. I have quite a bit of flesh but I am NOT fat!! I will never look healthy as a size 8. Yes, I will never look as slim as most celebrities or some of my friends. I will never be a size 8 ever again. I will never be so slim that my fiancé can carry me for ages. I will never be that fitness junky that works out 3 hours a day. I will never constantly count my calories intake. But I am healthy and fit. Here’s what I’ll do, I will work out regularly enough. I will eat healthy enough. I will watch my portions but I will not starve myself. I should get over myself and start accepting who I am. I should eat with relish! I should dance like there’s a prize. I should love like I’m getting paid. I have to, I have no choice. I only get one shot at this.
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In my quest for civilisation I have also bought into the theory that less is more. But who said curves are not beautiful? I am an African! We celebrate curves not shame them!!
We don’t have to be a size 0 to be beautiful! We are African! We are beautiful!
So I read this and was surprised that it’s an old post, and even more surprised that I commented on it.
Looking at that African woman with curves and the caption had me thinking “hey! I’m African too and I’m beautiful. In all my size eightedness, actually I’m smaller than 8, I’m also beautiful”.
I’m grateful media didn’t influence me much when it comes to body size, and that when my friend said “oh my gosh You’re so skinny” I didn’t understand her enough to get offended so this is who I am. And I live with it.
And no, it’s not easier just because I’m small, (just in case someone was thinking it) sometimes I wanna have some weight. But I enjoy my body and when I feel I should gain weight, I eat. 🙂 silly I know.
In the movement of lifting up plus-sized women, I think the smaller sized women are sometimes unintentionally “thin-shamed”. You’re right, Every size is beautiful. And the African woman comprises of all shapes and sizes. I guess everyone has their own share of things they struggle with or things that are on their wish lists. The key to being content with our body types is self acceptance.
Sometimes I feel women strive for an impossible ideal that they have set for themselves and compete with each other to achieve. The line in which you say your fiancé tells you that you look good but you only believe him for like 5 minutes hit me. Why? Isn’t he the one who loves you the one whose opinion matters most? I ask because I think alot of women have the same kinda issues. To whose image of beauty are you comparing yourself to? I have come to notice that what guys consider beautiful and what many women think guys think ia beautiful are two very different things.
That’s true. Guys and women’s perception of beauty is different. I think women compete with each other sometimes without knowing. I often find myself wanting to have a body like my friend just coz I think hers is better. Kinda like how kids think their friends plate has more food than theirs when infact they’re the same.
When my fiance tells me I look good. I’m thinking he loves me so everything I do will look good to him coz he’s biased. We’ve had this conversation so many times and I know that he finds me absolutely attractive. But years of media, family, friends and myself telling me I’m fat or plain can’t be erased just like that.
get paid to love-that I could do. Whole heartedly, whole bankedly… 🙂
mmmmh, ukutemwa money.
Its like u are picking my brain… Am more like a 12,14,16 lol… Small on top big at the bottom the true pear…. I go thru all u said hey.. Its stressful bt hey there comes a time u jus say to hell with it… The tricky I gues like u say is to try obviously dnt wana hav health issues bp diabetes, so we jus try to work out wen we can n eat healthier… 🙂 nice one