Is a writer still a writer if she does not write? I have not written in 3 years. When I started this blog, it served as a documentation of my life and sharing my thoughts with the people who cared to read. I will be the first to say that writing brought me so many opportunities, experiences, and friends. Finally, someone other than my English Teacher acknowledged that I was good at something. I loved it and how effortless it was for me. So I wrote about several aspects of my life and shared various thoughts with everyone.

But what happens when one’s life is in such disarray that even she can’t make heads and tails of it? How do you tell a story that even you can’t figure out? When I couldn’t recognize the life I was living, it became almost painful to even pretend to be alright. People handle pain in varied ways. Mine is retreating and isolating. And that’s what I did. I didn’t stop writing though. What changed was that I just did it for myself this time. I journaled like my life depended on it and to be honest, it probably did. 

When your life implodes and everything shatters, it’s hard to tell which parts are you and which parts are not. Everything is marred, the floor is littered with debris and pieces of you that are jagged and covered in soot. You try to piece all the familiar pieces together in an attempt to recreate it, but nothing is the same anymore. It can’t be the same.

So you make do with all the good pieces you can find combining them with some that look completely different and you create something that did not exist before. A life of your own making. I know it sounds romantic, but God is it painful! During this process there is no mental or emotional space to perform happiness or perfection. There is no bandwidth for fake smiles and cheerful blog stories. There is only space for breaking, for building, for feeling, for hurting, for praying.  

So yes, I haven’t written for 3 years. Do I want to share about my time in the trenches? I’d rather not. But in all that breaking and rebuilding, I created a beautiful life that I am charmed by. And that’s what I would like to share with you. A life full of the things that bring me joy and peace. A life that I painstakingly birthed.  I want to share the things I am learning and the places that my curiosity takes me. I want to share my story because it’s mine. And even if I never wrote a single word again, I am still a writer.